It was my freshman year in spring semester when I took Psychology 101. It was in this class that I learned about mental disorders and the severity of mental illnesses that can lead to horrendous outcomes. It woke me up to the realities of these negative voices in my head and that listening to them would destroy my life. I just didn’t know how to stop the voices and too scared to ask for help in case I’d be placed in a state-run mental institution.
If I knew that I can run back to God and that He would take me back in and help me, I would’ve gone running back to God like a prodigal. I was not proud. I was desperate. However I didn’t know this. I don’t know where I received this terribly wrong theology, but I truly believed that you only had one chance to get saved, and if you turn away from Jesus then you blew it and now you are doomed to hell. I believed that some people are just destined for hell and that I must be one of them; and there’s nothing that I could do about it. Since I believed that my ending is in hell, then I determined that I must do everything that I can to at least have a decent, respectable and long life on earth. When you are 18, it felt like life would go on for a very long time on earth.
It was upon this conclusion that I determined to get better at least in the eyes of society. Just like the lady in “Brain Over Binge”, I determined to stop paying attention to these horrible, paranoid voices that have only led me to troubles and sorrows. Wisdom also came into my heart that must end my close friendship from high school. Her name was Jessica. She was attending NYU and I would visit her often on the weekends to hang out with her and new friends. I abruptly ended our close friendship over the phone and told her that she also needed to stop listening to the voices in her head. I have no idea what happened to her. She was a pretty Asian girl and brilliant. If she didn’t end up in a mental institution then I would not be surprised if she joined a satanic-like cult that’s prevalent in downtown NYC and became one of their leaders. Or perhaps she came to her senses like me and living a normal life in the eyes of society.
In order to stop the negative voices, I decided that I must stop thinking and talking about all things spiritual and supernatural. I decided to cling onto science since it was a safe place to land and a respectable place according to society. Soon after, I know it was God who helped me find a great research lab to work in as a freshman. I saw a flyer about a research assistant and interviewed with the most successful professor in the Psychology department. Success in academia means a lot of publications and grant monies. I worked for a super nice graduate student in his lab too. By sophomore year, my professor applied for grant money for me so I can get paid. We applied and I received the scholarship. I got paid like $12 an hour which was a lot of money in the mid-90s. I don’t know when the voices stopped but they did and I attributed my success and sanity to science. I was very grateful for science for saving my life. I decided to become a professor-researcher just like my professor.
By my Junior year, I was a very respectful young person and highly esteemed by my parents and community. I was also attending a church in college and actively involved in their college group by now. Somehow once I cleaned up my life and felt presentable again, I met a friend, Andrea in college who was just saved. God bless her. She told me that God was a good, loving Father who would take me back. She invited me to come visit her college group meeting on campus. I visited one time and the rest is history. It wasn’t any dynamic preaching. It was the worship music that melted away all my fears and apprehension. I felt the great love of Jesus and his people there that night reflected God’s love and compassion. I knew without a shadow of doubt that God wanted me back. I told God how I cleaned up my life and how presentable I now am. Lol. Little did I know these things aren’t important to him. He was just so happy that I was home again. And I was thrilled to learn that I’m not destined for hell!
So what does all this have to do with Merlin, the TV miniseries from 1998? When I saw this miniseries during my spring break; I was drawn to watch it with its famous casts. In this TV miniseries, Merlin was a good wizard who was helping humans in the land and to stop the destructions of the evil wizard. At the end, Merlin realized after much effort and fighting the evil wizard that the only way to stop the evil wizard is by simply stop paying attention to her and her voices. Merlin and his friends stopped engaging with her and walked away as she was screaming bloody murder at them. You saw the fear and defeat in her eyes as she saw that they were no longer listening to her. Soon after, she was no longer creating havoc in the land and the world was peaceful and thriving again. When I saw this ending, I was thinking wow that’s exactly what happened to me!
The other day I came upon this article by Psychology Today about teenagers. It brought to my memory about the voices in my head when I was a teenager. Because we are living in the last days, these demonic voices are louder than ever attacking our young people. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/when-kids-call-the-shots/201801/7-things-teenagers-desperately-need-adults-understand
Unfortunately many churches are not equipped to help them. If we hardly teach our people from the pulpit about Satan and demons, and their methods and strategies against us then how can we equip parents to plan ahead for the long tough battles, and to fight hard for their children’s sanity, and to teach the youth how to keep their sound minds during the teen years when they seem most susceptible to demonic voices?
Dear Lord Jesus, as you have helped me to tune out these demonic voices so that I can have a sound mind, please help the church to equip our children and teenagers so that they also can have clear minds. If I can help any of them on how to do this then please use me, especially in the secular communities. They may not come near a church but they may listen to someone in a non-church platform. This is only a temporary bandaid but it saved me from going crazy. I also pray that my daughter Alex will be open to receiving sound instructions from a good therapist and support groups at her college. Please deliver her quickly and lead her to paths of righteousness and life for your namesake. Thank you Jesus for hearing and answering the many prayers being lifted for her. Amen. 🙏
Journal of Faith 